I'm Davis, a social worker, father of two, and sibling to more than I can count. My life is shaped by family, community, and a deep commitment to care.
Ancient wisdom says that a brother (or sister) offended is much harder to win over than a fortified city, and that disputes are like the bars of a castle. I have never lived in a castle nor seen a fortified city taken over. But, being the eldest child in my family and a father, I have seen and heard about how conflict in sibling relationships can cause tensions within families.
Is it normal and should you worry about it? In this blog, I share three of the five strategies that I have learnt over two decades of working with families. If you are a foster carer, you will have no doubt had to manage sibling rivalry. In some ways, helping siblings to navigate rivalry and celebrate each other is part of equipping your children to be comfortable with other people’s successes.
For children in foster care, what sometimes looks like sibling rivalry can grow into frequent, intense disputes that are emotionally charged and unhealthy, if left unaddressed. Much of this is rooted in trauma histories, loss or disrupted attachments. This can affect how the children manage emotions, express their frustrations, or relate to their siblings in a fostering environment.
How can you help keep them safe during these moments in their lives? The easy answer is to teach them healthy ways of managing relationships and emotions.
Sibling disputes tend to arise out of their ideas of what is fair, who gets more attention than the other, how space is shared or a clash of personalities. These are relatively easy to spot, right? The challenge is that these are the leaves. Hacking at the leaves is unlikely to produce lasting solutions. The roots, that trigger these disputes are much harder to pin down. They are insecurity, jealousy, or fear of rejection. Children cope with trauma in different ways. For some siblings, the result is close connection to each other as a means of support. For others, trauma increases their sensitivity to perceived unfairness and can make it harder for them to regulate their feelings. Recognising this can help a foster care respond with greater empathy.
Take confidence in who you are as a carer. Remember that children look to adults for cues on how to manage conflict. Staying calm, using a steady tone, being deliberate about not taking sides reduces escalation. Neutrality is key: if children believe one sibling is always “favoured,” resentments can deepen. Instead of deciding who is right or wrong, focus on guiding both children to express themselves and listen to each other.
Perhaps I should have led with this. But this seems like a good place to bring it up. If arguments escalate to physical aggression, step in quickly and separate the children to ensure safety. Once calm has been restored, revisit the incident with both children individually and, if appropriate, together. This helps them process what happened and consider alternative ways to respond next time.
For foster carers, sibling fallouts are not just challenges to manage but opportunities to teach vital life skills. By responding with calmness, empathy, and consistency, you can help children learn to navigate conflict safely, regulate emotions, and build healthier relationships, skills that will support them well beyond childhood. Look out for the next three strategies that I will share in the next blog.
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